


Yeah, Earth's Doomed

by xXBookwormXx



Category: Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crossover, Gen, Humor, I'll Explain Later, Peter Quill Has Powers, Sarcasm, a lot of swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-04
Updated: 2017-12-16
Packaged: 2018-11-09 00:53:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11093508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xXBookwormXx/pseuds/xXBookwormXx
Summary: In which the Avengers meet the Guardians of the Galaxy and all hell breaks loose on the way.OrAfter a successful(ish) mission on Xandar, the failing systems of the Milano cause the Guardians to crash on Earth. Where they meet the Avengers in the most awkward way possible. Chaos ensues.Oh and Galactus is about to eat Earth while they're figuring out their issues.





	1. Welcome to Earth, Motherfuckers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, to clarify, this takes place after Captain America: The Winter Soldier and GOTG2 (the movie takes place in 2014) but before Avengers: Age of Ultron and Captain America: Civil War.

After fighting a Brood colony on Xandar, the Guardians thought they could have a break for at least a few days.

The galaxy, however, decided that the Guardians did not need a break and wanted to ruin their day.

At least, that was what Peter Quill thought. It certainly seemed like it, as flames ate away his beloved Milano.

His hands gripped the controls in vice-like hold and he ignored Rocket's snarky comments as best he could.

"This is all your fault! Genius idea, Quill! Let's drive through the fucking Brood and shoot at them! I'm sure we'll be fine!" the hybrid screamed at him, his tiny hands clenched in fury as he too battled to regain control of the ship.

"Well, it worked, didn't it?!" Peter yelled back,"And you had no better ideas anyway! You just wanted to blow Xandar up!"

"If we had, we wouldn't be in this situation!" came the furious reply as Rocket yanked the controls to one side, causing the ship to swerve sharply to the left,"Now we're all gonna die!"

"You would've killed 12 million people!" he shouted as he pushed the control to the opposite side, making the Milano swerve right.

"So?!" Rocket snapped, as the ship continued to burn up behind the two.

"Shut up, the both of you!" Gamora screeched from behind them,"And focus on getting the ship to a nearby planet!"

"Find a nearby planet then!" the two pilots yelled simultaneously.

With an irritated huff, Gamora quickly searched for a nearby planet. She found one swiftly and was about to press it when the Milano swerved to the left again and she went flying out of her seat.

Groot landed of top of the keypad and it began to switch through planets, the coordinates getting further and further away from Xandar.

Gamora raced over to her seat and took the tiny tree off the keypad, placing it on her shoulder.

"Press the button!" Peter screamed, feeling the rising heat on his back as they approached the jump-gate.

She slammed her hand down on the button, without a glance at which planet they were headed to. Then she looked down at the pad.

"Groot!" she yelled, whipping her head around to look at the adorable creature seated up on her shoulder.

"What? What did he do?" Peter shouted, as they came closer and closer to the jump-gate.

"I am Groot!" Groot said quickly, attempting to look as innocent as possible.

"What was an accident?!" Rocket screeched, worry building up inside his chest.

"He changed the planet we're jumping to!" Gamora retorted, turning to look at the two as Groot looked at her with puppy eyes. She held him out to Drax who took him and placed him on his shoulder.

"What is our new destination?" Drax asked, almost sure it couldn't be that bad.

Gamora glanced down at the pad once more. "Terra!" she yelled, already anticipating Peter's reaction.

Peter freaked out. "What?!" he screamed, half-turning around to face her, just as they flew threw the jump-gate.

"If you hadn't been flying like maniacs - " she started, but was cut off when the speed of the ship increased and her voice got caught in her throat.

The entire group was pressed against the nearest surface behind them - in the case of three of them it was their seats and in Drax and Groot's case it was the wall behind them... which was barely holding together.

Peter let out a high-pitched, girlish screech as they flew threw jump-gate after jump-gate, the Milano going faster and faster after each one. One of Rocket's eyes swelled to the size of Groot's face and Gamora kept both eyes squeezed shut so that wouldn't happen to her. Drax was laughing maniacally. Groot was screaming at the top of his lungs and his tiny limbs felt as though they were about to be ripped off.

And yet, the ship showed no signs of stopping. It felt like they had passed a thousand jump-gates already and Peter was surprised the Milano was still holding together. Drax and Groot would've disagreed with that statement though. They were barely hanging onto the remains of the back of the ship.

The ship finally came through the final jump-gate and began decreasing in speed. A blue and green planet orbited by a single moon lay in front of them, looking like a fragile marble in the darkness of space. They had no time to stare at the breathtaking beauty of the scene though as they were too busy trying to get the ship under their control again.

The Milano may have been slowing down but it wasn't doing so fast enough and they hurtled towards Terra at a frightening speed.

"Rocket, grab the fucking controls!" Peter yelled as the hybrid screeched with laughter.

"Y-you should've heard your scream!" Rocket said, between burst of laughter, and attempted to imitate it by making a wheezing, girly screech before returning to laughing his ass off. He was laughing so hard that tears threatened to fall from his eyes.

"At least my eye wasn't the size of a moon!" Peter snapped back, as blush crept up his cheeks.

Gamora slapped the two on the back of the head. "Focus!" she snarled, staring at the planet that was getting closer by the second.

"I am trying to but it's kinda hard with the ugly face of raccoon distracting me from the co-pilot seat!" Peter said, turning his attention back to the crashing ship.

"Raccoon?!" Rocket screeched,"I'll give you raccoon, you half-Terran piece of shit!" He struggled to hold onto the controls, which were going insane.

"Panda-faced monkey!" Peter retorted, wincing as the entered the atmosphere and the front of the Milano began to heat up.

"Celestial wannabe!" Rocket growled, turning his head away from the windscreen, which was beginning to catch fire.

"Do I have to tell you to focus again?!" Gamora snarled.

"I am Groot?" Groot asked, curling up next to Drax.

"No, Groot, we're not gonna die," Rocket said, though he didn't quite believe it himself.

Drax patted Groot on the head. "Rocket is probably deceiving you," he said, which did nothing to reassure Groot

"I am Groot?!" Groot screeched, his eyes wide.

"No, I'm not lying!" Rocket said quickly.

"I think we're gonna crash!" Peter yelled, as the ship tore through a massive forest, knocking down more and more trees as it got closer to the ground.

"No shit!" Rocket snapped, as the Milano broke through the forest and crashed into the grounds near a school.

The ship jerked to a stop. Peter and Rocket's faces nearly slammed into the controls and Gamora would've went tumbling forward if she hadn't gripped onto the seat with their knees. Groot and Drax went flying forward and the tree slammed into the windscreen and the other into Gamora's seat, who again nearly fell out of it.

They took a moment to catch their breaths and the ship was quiet, filled only with the heavy breathing and crackling of the flames.

Then they remembered the ship was on fire.

And they went into a frenzy once more. They all scrambled to get out of the burning ship, coughing and choking on the fumes and shoving past one another.

Groot slipped out first, soon followed by Drax, who tumbled out with the grace of an elephant. Rocket grabbed his gun and shot a hole in the ship, creating his own personal exit while ignoring Peter's screams of protest. Gamora managed to climbed skilfully and calmly out of the Milano. Peter quickly followed her after one last mournful glance at his ship.

They collapsed onto the grass, gulping for air and letting fatigue overtake them. They payed little attention to the stares of the curious nearby schoolchildren, who would return home to tell their parents that they saw aliens at school that day.

"I... just wanna say," Peter panted, staring up at the cloudy blue sky,"That it was all Rocket's fault."

He turned to look at the hybrid who was holding up at the middle finger to him.

Gamora let out an exasperated sigh and climbed swiftly to her feet. Her eyes scanned the area for possible threats and she gripped her sword tightly, her nerves on edge.

Peter pulled himself to his feet, inspecting the area they had landed in. It didn't look like Missouri. At least not the Missouri he remembered. Then again, he hadn't been on Terra in twenty-six years. 

Gamora was eyeing a tiny creature that was flying lazily past her. She didn't like the look of the weapon it was wielding on its rear. 

"What shall we do now, as the idiocy of the group has caused our crashing?" Drax asked, picking up Groot. 

"Uh... repair the Milano, I guess," Peter said, then noticing the dozens of eyes of the schoolchildren,"Um... And move the Milano somewhere less... public." 

"How the fuck are we supposed to do that?" Rocket asked, throwing his hands up in air.

"I don't know! Figure something out!" Peter shot back,"I'll get some parts from some place around here and you focus on fixing up the Milano as best you can. Groot can move it." 

"Groot is a baby!" Rocket retorted,"He can't move a spaceship on his own!" 

"I'm coming with you," Gamora said swiftly. She spoke as if it was the final word. 

"Then help him!" Peter said, before turning to Gamora,"Um... that's not a good idea." 

She folded her arms. "Why not?"

"Well, Terrans aren't exactly used to people being green," Peter said," So... you know... they'd probably freak out or something..." 

Gamora considered it for a moment. She didn't like to leave Peter go alone, especially unarmed, on a strange planet. "Fine," she muttered aggressively. 

"Just focus on moving the ship, okay?" Peter said, addressing the group. He glanced back at the schoolchildren, who were now being joined by slack-jawed adults.

Groot wrapped his tiny arms around the ship and was trying to move it, which wasn't working at all. 

Rocket went over to help him, picking up a few pieces of the Milano along the way, pondering if he could build something to help move the ship. 

Peter sighed and turned towards the town, wondering if his day could get any worse.


	2. Greetings From Terra Involve Arresting Visitors

Steve Rogers had been roaming the streets of Brooklyn when his phone buzzed in his pocket.

He scrambled to get it out of his pocket, before remembering a buzz meant a text, not a call. 

He unlocked his phone, grateful for Natasha and Sam teaching him how lock it. Tony used to repeatedly steal it and change the wallpaper to the weirdest things he could find and some of them had been genuinely disturbing. One time it had been a picture of rocks with mouths worshipping a statue of Iron Man. Steve didn't even know how he even found that photo. 

He managed to find the text after a little bit of a struggle. Steve wished someone else could've texted him though. Reading Clint's messages was like trying to decipher a complex code.

'UFO jst cn n ind. B fst. IM hz plne redE @ ST.' 

Steve stared at the text message. His brow furrowed. He gnawed on his lip, trying to figure out what the text message was trying to say.

After what must've been fifteen minutes, he had finally decoded enough of it to understand what he had to do. 

He raced to his motorcycle, weaving through the crowd with the ease and grace of someone much smaller and leaner. 

Steve climbed swiftly onto the motorcycle and kicked out the brake, revving up the engine before kicking off the pavement. He sped off, causing dirt and loose stones to fly up behind him.

Meanwhile, at the Stark Tower, the rest of the Avengers were disagreeing on the alien spacecraft. 

"I say we should greet them," Thor said, leaning on Mjolnir,"They may mean no harm." 

"Yeah, the Chitauri didn't mean any harm either," Tony said, digging his hand in the silver packet he was holding and popping a mini pretzel into his mouth. 

Thor shut up. 

"You texted Star-Spangled Banner, right?" Tony asked, turning around to face Clint. 

"Yeah, I did," he said, folding his arms. 

"He texted Steve in text speak," Natasha said, walking past him after taking a peek at his phone. 

"It's called text speak for a reason," Clint protested,"You use it when texting." 

"Not when you're texting a 95 year old man," Natasha replied. 

"I'm sure he'll figure it out," Clint said, but wasn't as sure as he sounded. 

"Well done, Legolas, you've just lost us a good fifteen minutes because you couldn't text without shortening everything," Tony said, popping another pretzel into his mouth and bringing up a screen to check all platforms of social media again.

"It's faster!" Clint argued, glaring at Tony. 

"Apparently not," Tony said, turning to offer Bruce a pretzel, which he declined. 

"We should go over how much we know about the aliens," Bruce said, flicking through the social media posts,"Thor, are any of the aliens from the Nine Realms?" 

He shook his head. "They are not of any realm I have ever been to." 

Just then, Steve burst through the doors. "What did I miss?" he asked, realising how late he was. 

"What took you so long?" Clint asked, grinning. 

Steve resisted to urge to slap the grin off his face. "I didn't understand the fucking text message - " 

"Unsurprisingly," Natasha murmured. 

"- so what's the situation?" he asked, looking around at group.

"We have a new group of friendly aliens in town," Tony said, turning away from the Twitter feed he was inspecting.

"Tony, could you please take the damn situation seriously?" Steve said, glaring at the genius. 

"I didn't realise humour was banned," Tony said, eating another pretzel. 

Steve gave up. There was no way he was ever going to win an argument with Tony. He instead turned to Bruce. "What are we up against?" 

"Uh...," Bruce said, flicking through the several social media platforms,"A green humanoid, a raccoon, a grey and red humanoid, a tree and a normal-looking human." 

"A tree?" Steve echoed, almost sure he'd misheard,"And a raccoon?"

Bruce nodded. "They are aliens though, so it might not be a tree at all and instead simply resemble a tree and have a complete different genetic structure." 

"And to add to that," Natasha said,"It's an adorable, little baby tree." 

"A baby tree," Steve repeated, incredulous. 

"I'm more confused by the normal-looking human," Tony said, throwing the empty packet in the bin,"Where is he from? I mean, a baby tree and a raccoon I can get, but a human?" 

"He could be Asgardian," Clint said,"Just throwing it up there." 

Thor nodded. "Or he may be Xandarian," he added. Though Asgardians had a tendency to work primarily within the Nine Realms, it didn't mean they had no knowledge of other planets.

"Xandarian?" Bruce asked, seeking clarification. 

"Natives of Xandar, capital of the Nova Empire," Thor explained, thinking that made everything suddenly clear.

Bruce nodded slowly, still having no idea what Thor was talking about. 

"Just one question, guys," Clint said, standing up,"Why are we still talking? I thought we had to head over to Indiana quickly...?" 

Everyone fell silent. And then rushed to the jet. 

Steve sighed, wishing they could follow some sort of order instead of pushing their way into everything. He walked after them, after grabbing his shield and quickly getting changed into the Captain America uniform. 

Steve paused for a moment, glancing back at room. He spotted Tony's computer and for once, it seemed to be unlocked. Tony must've forgotten about it. He grinned mischeviously. He quickly changed the wallpaper to a picture of a shark with horse legs, holding a Captain America shield. 

"Hurry up, Icepop, we don't have all day!" Clint yelled from inside the jet.

"Coming," Steve said, struggling to keep a straight face as he walked into the plane.

The trip was an awkwardly quiet half-hour long one. Anytime anyone attempted conversation, the attempt would wither and die as someone quickly answer the question and then fall back into silence. It was a relief for most of the group when the jet finally landed. 

"Where were they spotted again?" Steve asked, peeking out the window and expecting to see an alien-esque spacecraft but seeing nothing of the sort. 

"Right next to a schooly-," Tony started, before he looked out the window,"Oh." 

Steve raised an eyebrow. 

"I shall ask the people of this land where the ship has gone," Thor said, heading for the door. 

"We could look for tracks. Nothing that big could be moved without leaving some type of evidence behind," Natasha said, following Thor towards the door.

"How the hell do you move a spaceship?" Clint asked, staring at the empty space and trying to imagine a way that the spaceship could be moved. So far, he'd come up with nothing.

"What we should be prioritizing at the moment is finding the ship, not how it was moved," Steve said, glancing at Clint. 

Tony sighed, wondering if Steve could get anymore irritating. He wasn't even the one being told off and Capiscle still managed to annoy him. He pressed two buttons on his armrest, the first opening the door to the jet and the second equipping him with his Iron Man suit.

Natasha was the first to leave the jet and quickly looked around for tracks. She found them easily, as the prints of the ship on the ground weren't exactly small. It looked like it had been forcefully dragged away.

"I think I know where they went, boys," Natasha said, her eyes following the trails into the nearby woods,"Our alien buddies aren't very good at covering up their tracks." 

"Thank God. I was scared we'd have to resort to Thor talking to the locals," Clint said, walking over to her. 

Thor narrowed his eyes at Clint. Simply because he didn't understand human customs, it didn't mean he couldn't communicate with them.

"It was a joke," Clint said quickly. He didn't want Mjolnir smashing through his skull. It didn't look like much fun. 

Thor didn't respond and instead looked down at the tracks. "It appears they have ventured into the forest." 

"Never would've guessed," Tony said, glancing at the trail.

"Not the time, Tony," Steve said, walking past the two and taking his shield off his back.

Tony made a face under the Iron Man mask but followed Steve as he walked towards the forest. 

It was a surprisingly short amount of time spent walking before they heard voices. Steve gestured for the group to stop and put his finger to his lips. 

"Don't touch it, Groot!" one of the voices shrieked,"I need it to repair the ship!" 

A childish voice spoke up quickly. "I am Groot!" 

"Yeah, yeah," Voice No. 1 said,"I'm sure it was an accident." 

Steve glanced at the Avenger closest to him, who happened to be Natasha, with furrowed eyebrows. She just shrugged. 

He then turned to look at the rest of the group, indicating to Thor and Clint to go to left of the clearing where the group was situated and Tony and Bruce to go to the right. His teammates nodded and crept off. Unfortunately, both Tony and Thor weren't exactly the best at creeping. 

"Shh," a female voice hissed,"I think I heard something." 

Steve tensed, glancing at the two, who both froze. 

"Paranoia is a much needed trait for a warrior," a fourth voice said after a long silence. 

"I am not being paranoid!" Voice No. 3 snapped. 

Steve signalled to the rest of the group to move in. There was no point in hiding after they had been noticed.

The Avengers stepped into the clearing, surrounding the group of aliens. The raccoon looked around. 

"Call me crazy, but I don't think they're here to make friends," it said, grabbing a large nearby gun. 

The green female pulled out a handle and a blade unfurled from it. The grey and red one pulled blades from his boots. The baby tree roared adorably. 

Clint pulled an arrow from his quiver. Steve took up a defensive stance. Natasha pulled twin handguns from their holsters at her hip. Bruce took a deep breath and beside him, Tony levitated a few inches off the ground. Thor's grip on Mjolnir tightened.

"Hey, I finally found some parts that we can use! Sorry, I took so lo-" a normal-looking human said, walking in on the tense scene. 

The two groups stared at the newcomer, one group with surprise and the other group with expressions that screamed 'really?'. 

Peter sighed. Today was really not his day.


	3. Peter Has 100% of a Plan This Time, Honest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woaaahhh. When I began writing this fanfiction I didn't think many people would read it. Two weeks and it has over 800 hits! 
> 
> What?!?!?!?!?! 
> 
> Thanks to everyone who is reading this :3

Peter's hand went to his belt, expecting to find his Quad Blasters before remembering they'd been in the ship.

He put his hands up to show he was unarmed and slowly made his way over to the Guardians, who all looked like they wished the ground would open up and swallow them whole.

Peter tried to get past the guy with the arrows but it wasn't exactly working. "Could I just...," he started, but trailed off when the guy with the shield shook his head.

Rocket pinched his bridge of his nose. "Ai yai yai," he said, recieving a glare from Peter in response.

Peter managed to walk around the group instead. He joined the Guardians, trying to act like nothing embarrassing had happened.

Gamora handed him his Quad Blasters with an unimpressed expression.

"What purpose do you have here in this realm?" the big one with the hammer said, speaking like he'd just walked out of a Shakespearean play.

"We don't really have a _reason_  to be here," Peter admitted, hoping they would recognise them as the Guardians of the Galaxy and then let them do their own thing. And maybe bring them weapons or something. He didn't know what Terrans gave to people as gifts nowadays. "We...," he continued and then paused,"crashed." Still Rocket's fault. 

Tony didn't believe them for a second. He wasn't going to risk another New York incident on the word of species that weren't even from Earth. He murmured through the comm,"I don't trust them."

"I don't either," Natasha replied, still holding her guns.

"You don't trust anyone...," Clint whispered.

"So?" came her reply,"Tony doesn't trust them either."

Tony interrupted the conversation by shooting a beam at the female humanoid.

Gamora lept out of the way, nearly knocking Peter over in the process, and the beam missed her by less than the length of an Orloni's whisker.

"Not cool, dude," Peter said, helping Gamora to her feet as he spoke, "Not cool." 

Gamora turned to look at her attacker, eyes blazing and fury building in her chest.

"Oops," was all that Tony said before the green girl charged at him as if she was the Hulk.

Rocket grinned maniacally and began shooting like a mad man, in all directions.

"Dude, you're gonna kill one of us!" Peter said after a blast came alarming close to him.

"And?" Rocket said, trying to hit the assassin who looked like a Gamora type. 

Peter sighed and went to press the button on his earpiece that would cause his helmet to expand but he found nothing.

Steve blocked one of the shots from the crazy raccoon. "I'll take it, you help Tony," he said to Natasha who nodded and raced over to help Tony who was struggling with the green female humanoid.

"Guys, where's my helmet?" Peter yelled, shooting at the red-headed Gamora wannabe.

"I believe it remained in the back of the ship while we were landing," Drax said, pausing before he charged towards the big dude with the awesome blonde hair.

"What?! What about the Aero-Rigs?!" Peter yelled, continuing to shoot at Mrs. Assassin Lady.

Natasha dodged a few of the shots before eventually getting hit in the arm. She decided Tony was a big boy and could do fine on his own and began shooting back at the jackass who shot her.

"They were in the back of the ship too," Rocket said, trying to hit Mr. Perfect's face but only hitting his shield,"We just put everything at the back of the ship."

"What? Why?!" Peter asked, beginning to regret shooting at the black body suit lady. He ran and hid behind a tree, hoping that none of the bullets would hit him.

"That's where the storage compartments are!" Gamora snarled from nearby, dodging another beam and trying to figure out the metal man (was it a suit?)'s weak spots.

Steve began moving towards the raccoon, hoping to attack it up close. "Do you always talk this much when you fight?" he wondered. He had never been in a battle where there had been so many arguments and one liners.

"Yes," Drax said bluntly, looking up from his hand to hand battle with Goldilocks. Their weapons were on the floor. He was quickly silenced however when the hammer flew into Blondie's hand and he smashed it against Drax's jaw.

"Drax!" Peter hissed, from behind the tree,"Don't converse with the enemy!"

Drax didn't reply, since his face was in the dirt.

"Are you always this annoying when you fight?" Rocket replied, throwing his massive gun away as it had run out of ammo and pulling out a smaller one.

Steve felt like that was uncalled for. He wasn't that annoying. He noticed the pause in shooting and took the opportunity to throw his shield at the raccoon.

Rocket dropped the gun and curled into a ball, hoping the shield would miss him. It did, planting itself in the ground nearby.

Meanwhile, Clint was having a moral dilemma. He stared down at the tiny tree, about to shoot it when he sighed. "I can't do it. I can't kill something so adorable."

Natasha had run out of ammunition, so she stopped shooting at the normal-looking human and went to help Clint.

"I swear, you'd think I'd have to do everything," she murmured and went to kick the baby tree.

The baby tree caught her leg and its tiny hand grew around it. With a roar, it threw her to the ground. Its arm began to wrap around her legs.

Clint edged away, pretending not to know Natasha, who was glaring at him with a look that could kill.

Peter peeked out of from behind the tree and noticed the crazy lady wasn't shooting anymore. He stepped out and began shooting at arrow guy, since Groot seemed to have taken care of her.

Gamora moved in front of him for a second so he had to stop pretty quickly. "What?" he asked, trying to look past her.

"I need a gun," she said, pointing to her sword that was embedded in the metal dude's armour thingy.

"Ask Rocket, I'm busy!" he said, glancing over at Rocket who was latched onto shield dude's face,"Actually Rocket's busy too. He probably has a gun nearby or something."

Gamora raced over and picked up Rocket's small gun before turning to shoot at the iron guy's chest.

Steve managed to get the raccoon off his face. He would never look at one the same way again. How was even supposed to fight so tiny?!

Tony was hit right in the arc reactor by the green female. It lost power and he collapsed to the ground. He let out a string of annoyed swear words that would've made Steve gasp.

"Ha!" Peter said, punching the air, walking over to Gamora,"High-five." He held up his hand, preparing for it.

Gamora stared at him blankly.

He pulled his hand back. "Nevermind."

Bruce had been hiding up until this point. He didn't really want to join the fight. He didn't trust the Hulk not to hurt anyone. But upon glancing out at his comrades, who looked like they were losing, he decided it was best if he did join in.

"Uh... guys," Peter said, looking away from archer dude and spotting the massive green thing that looked like a mutated male Gamora. It was almost as a scary as her. "We have a problem."

"Quill, I swear if it's about your dic-," Rocket said, turning and his eyes widened,"Ooooooohhhh." He nearly fell off his perch on shield dude's back.

"Wait, when was my dick a problem?" Peter asked, turning his head around so quickly it was a surprise that it didn't pop off.

Rocket didn't reply because shield dude had managed to finally get him off his back by slamming his back into a nearby tree.

"Wait, is that Captain America?" Peter said, staring at shield dude, totally forgetting about both Rocket and massive mutated green thing.

Steve stared. Aliens knew who he was? He didn't think aliens would have time for the affairs of people on Earth. Except maybe the Chitauri.

"Dude, my mom had all your comics!" Peter said, his eyes lighting up. He paused. "Well they were my grandmother's but she read them all the time."

Gamora ignored the conversation between Peter and shield dude. She closed one eye so as to aim more easily with Rocket's tiny gun. The green thing was massive, but it was pointless to try and shoot it in an area that wouldn't affect it.

"Aliens read comics...?" Steve said slowly, trying to process the fact that an alien was fanboying over him.

Gamora decided the eye was the most vulnerable spot on the massive green thing. She shot at it quickly, as it hadn't noticed her yet and she didn't plan on being seen.

It took a moment for Peter to figure out what Captain America meant. "Oh, no, my mom's from T- Earth," he said quickly.

The massive green thing roared and Gamora decided it was best to run. She raced off, hoping to find a way to lose the monster swiftly. She glared at Peter as she ran past and glanced behind her to see the the enormous thing following her.

Steve's brow furrowed. "How'd you get into outer space then?" he asked, beginning to feel a bit lost.

Groot looked at Gamora running and waved, while looking extremely proud of himself. The mean lady was inside a cocoon he'd made himself.

"It's complicated," Peter said, even though it really wasn't. He may have idolized Cap but that didn't mean he was going to tell him everything.

Gamora ran into the forest and darted behind a tree. As she had hoped, the massive green thing charged past her. Hopefully he'd be distracted for a while. She returned to the clearing, hoping Peter had finished up his conversation. She was disappointed.

"So you're not an alien," Steve said slowly.

Rocket clambered to his feet, his head feeling as though it was about to split in two. He looked up at the two talking and glared at Quill. "What happened to don't converse with the enemy, asshole?!" he yelled, speaking far louder than necessary.

"Half-alien," Peter corrected, before glancing down at Rocket, looking like a kicked puppy,"But... it's Captain America..."

"Oh, I'm sorry to ruin your fanboy dreams, but I thought we were fighting, not having a fucking tea party!" Rocket screamed, causing Captain America to flinch.

Gamora decided that man with the bow looked like an easy target. She pulled out the tiny gun, aimed and pulled the trigger... but no bullet left the barrel. Growling, she threw the gun to the ground and ran at him.

Clint noticed crazy green lady running at him when it almost too late. Eyes wide and heart hammering in his chest, he turned and ran for dear life.

"I have a plan," Peter said confidently.

"Is it 12% of one?" Rocket snapped, causing Captain America to back away a bit more.

"Nope. Fully formed, fleshed out, 100% of a plan," Peter said, smiling like an idiot.

Rocket wasn't convinced in the slightest.

"Truce," Peter said, hoping for an applause or praise or something. He received nothing but jaws hitting the floor and incredulous stares.

Gamora was on top of Clint and had his arm twisted behind his back. He was the first to speak.

"I think it's a great plan."


	4. How the Hell Did You Manage To Forget That?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did take some of the ideas from the comments into consideration and some come up in the chapter. So thanks to all of you for those!
> 
> This chapter has an abudance of sexual jokes for some reason... I dunno I just felt like throwing a lot in xD

The two groups sat in tense silence in Tony's jet. 

Peter had quickly given up on the hope of any conversation starting and began listening to his Zune. 

Tony was staring at the Zune as though it were an ancient stone-age level object that he'd never seen before. How did an alien get a Zune, for one? And who the hell even used Zunes anymore? They were like crappy iPods. 

Peter noticed the staring and looked at Tony with a confused expression. Had he done something wrong? The truce had been a great idea! 

Tony still stared at the object, saying nothing. 

Peter pulled his headphones down onto his neck. "Um... Dude? Something wrong?" 

Tony jerked out of his thoughts. "Oh no, everything's fine." He smiled tightly. 

Peter wasn't convinced but he said nothing. He was about to put his headphones back on when Tony spoke. 

"You know, I didn't think aliens had Zunes," Tony said, tilting his head as he stared at the Zune. 

Peter stared. "I didn't steal it," he said quickly. Which was technically true. Yondu had probably stolen it. 

"I feel sorry for the person who owned if you did steal it," Tony murmured before speaking up again,"How did you get it then?" 

Peter wondered why the dude couldn't just leave him alone to listen to his music. "Does it really matter?" 

"Could I have it for a second?" Tony asked, holding out his hand. 

"Um... No," Peter said, his grip tightening around the small device. 

"Only a second," Tony said, his hand still held out.

"I'm not gonna trust the dude who was the first to attack a member of my team!" Peter said, moving the Zune further away from Tony protectively.

Tony was not going to resort to begging. He pulled his hand back, nursing his wounded pride but acting as though it was what he intended to happen. "It's a Zune 30GB, right?" he said after a moment, inspecting it from afar.

"Yes," Peter said, then paused,"No. I don't know. So?" He took a moment to glance at his team who were doing a piss poor job of defending him. They all looked purposely distracted. He glared at them before looking back to the jackass.

"When were you abducted again?" Tony asked. 

"Why?" Peter asked, feeling like this was getting a bit too personal. 

"He totally doesn't want abduct kids too," Rocket said, winking with the eye that was visible to everyone. 

"Wrong eye," Gamora stated from beside him. 

Peter had to stop himself from face-palming. He couldn't understand how someone could wink with the wrong eye three times. Rocket was probably just unusually dumb. "Dude, do you have a brain the size of a peanut?"

"At least mine isn't the size of Groot's eye!" Rocket shot back. 

"Groot's eyes are kinda big," Peter said, looking at the tiny tree who was inching towards the headphones. Peter pressed play on the song and put one of the headphones against the side of Groot's head, where his ear would be. 

"So a tree is allowed to touch it, but I'm not?" Tony said, glancing at the adorable tree with a look of pure annoyance. 

"Yes," Peter said,"'Cause I don't like you." 

"The feeling's mutual," Natasha said, finally speaking after about half an hour of silence. 

Groot waved at her and she glared. "Can I kill it?" she whispered.

Clint looked horrified and Steve shook his head. "Truce means we make an agreement for no violence." 

Natasha pursed her lips and folded her arms. Gamora glared back at her, as if silently saying that if she touched any of her team members she would kill her mercilessly. 

Clint took a step away from Natasha. He was not going to get killed by green lady. He'd gotten nearly killed by her once, he didn't want to go there again. He'd hide behind Bruce, just for extra protection. 

That was when he realised something. "Uh... Where's Bruce?" 

Steve looked around, expecting to see Bruce somewhere and hoping it was a false alarm. "Shit," he snarled when he found no sign of Banner. 

"Wait, wait," Rocket said, looking as though he was about to burst into fits of laughter,"Did you just forget a nine foot green monster?" He couldn't contain his giggles any longer and doubled over, heaving with laughter. 

Blush crept up Steve's cheeks and he turned away from the raccoon, trying to think about something other the laughter. It was more difficult than he thought. The raccoon laughed surprisingly loud for such a small creature. 

"We have to fly back to get him immediately," Steve said, glancing at Tony,"The sooner we get there, the amount of civilian casualties reduces." 

Tony didn't like to take orders from Steve but he didn't think now was the best time to fight. "JARVIS, turn the jet around and land. Fast as possible." 

The ship did a 360 and began racing towards the ground. Which was not good for the passengers. 

Thor flew into Steve, who in turn fell on top of Clint. Clint's face began going blue as the crushing weight of a god and a super soldier hindered his ability to breathe properly. 

Peter and Rocket fell into position that looked like they were about to kiss, which disgusted the both of them. 

Drax somehow managed to land on top of Groot, who let out a bloodcurdling screech and almost began crying. Drax didn't notice the fact that his back seemed to be screaming. 

Tony grabbed the closest thing to him for support... Which happened to be green lady's boob. To say it was a mistake was an understatement. 

Natasha grabbed onto her seat, thinking faster than the majority of the two teams. "Tony," she snarled,"Do something before you kill us and the aliens!"

"Hey!" Peter said, but red-headed Gamora ignored him. 

"JARVIS, trying not to kill us would be nice," Tony said quickly. 

"My apologies, Master Stark," JARVIS said, as the ship slowed to a reasonable speed. 

Gamora whipped out a knife and held it to the annoying short male's neck. "Never touch me again," she snarled. 

Tony held up his hands in surrender. He didn't want to fight someone who had taken him and Clint down and distracted the Hulk. "Didn't plan on it," he murmured. 

"Do not disrespect me," she snapped, the dagger digging deeper into his neck, drawing blood. 

Tony nodded, eyeing the knife. "No disrespecting, got it," he said, forcing a smile. 

Thor climbed off Steve and Clint, slapping Steve hard on the back when he too stood up, with a bit more difficulty that Thor. 

Clint didn't stand up. He looked pleadingly at Natasha, who pretended not to notice him and edged away in a manner similar to the way he had done when she had been taken down by the adorable tree. 

"I believe our archer fares not as well you did, Captain," Thor said, looking at his Clint, who let out a pathetic wheeze. 

"He'll walk it off," Steve said, trying not to smile. 

Clint didn't think he'd walk it off. He didn't think he'd walk again. He did manage to hold up the middle finger to Steve, before collapsing due to the effort. 

Drax stood up as well. A flat Groot lay on the floor, bottom lip trembling. The mean red-haired lady was smiling meanly at him. He began crying. 

Drax noticed the crying (at last) and picked up Groot, trying and failing to calm the sobbing tree. His daughter had never been this difficult when she was young. 

Groot, of course, just cried harder. 

Peter winced at the wails of the adorable tree, but focused on his situation. He quickly climbed off Rocket, as Gamora eyed him. 

Rocket scrambled away, looking thoroughly disgusted by the fact that they were close to kissing. 

"We never speak of this again, capiche?" Peter whispered. 

Rocket nodded and raced off to help Groot. He was, for once in his life, silent. 

"I didn't realise you liked Rocket like that," Gamora said, trying to hold back a rare smile. 

Peter spluttered and blushed as he searched for an answer. "You let the jackass touch your boob! Which you never let me do!" 

Gamora's expression darkened. "It was a joke." 

Peter glanced at her, going an even brighter shade of red. "I just thought I was the funny one and you were the one who killed people." 

"Rocket is funnier than you," Drax said, walking past as the ship landed again.

Peter just held up the middle finger to his back. 

Once everyone was suited up, on their feet and ready to go, Steve decided it was best if they split up into groups to find Banner. The tree, Clint and Thor formed one group. The raccoon, the half-alien and Tony formed another (Steve was not going anywhere near that raccoon ever again). The remaining four, himself, Natasha, the green lady and the grey and red man, formed the final team. 

"Banner can't have gone far. We find him, we find a way to turn him back or alert the other groups and we leave," Steve said. 

Peter felt like he should have a say in the plan, since he was the leader of the other team, but he stayed quiet. He was lucky enough to meet Captain America, let alone work with him. 

He was pulled out of his thoughts by an angry Gamora shoving past him. 

"What was that for?" he asked loudly, thoroughly confused by Gamora's thinking process. 

Clint had the answer. "Women tend to be offended when they see the guy they like cheating on them with a raccoon," he said from beside him. 

Peter didn't reply, fighting the urge to bitch-slap the arrow guy. At least he wasn't on the same team as him. He noticed hammer guy waving at the arrow dude. "I think one of your blonde boyfriends is waving at you," he whispered. 

Clint stuck out his tongue at half-alien man and walked over to Thor. 

Peter may not have been on the same team as arrow guy but his team was much worse. "Captain America?" he asked, glancing at Tony and Rocket. 

Steve turned around to look at the half-alien. "Yes?" 

"Can I change teams?" Peter said, trying and failing to do puppy eyes. 

"No." 

"What? Why?" Peter asked, beginning to rethink his hero worship of Captain America. 

"Because," Steve said, turning away. 

"We better hurry, boys," Natasha said, surveying the surrounding terrain. She glanced at Gamora. "And girl." 

"My team sucks!" Peter yelled at Captain America's back. 

"Agreed," Tony and Rocket said simultaneously. 

"Sucks to be you then," Steve said, still walking in the opposite direction,"Tony, you take your team into the forest. Thor, you search around the school. I'll search the remaining area." 

"Wait, he's in charge?!" Peter said, glancing at metal man. 

"Jealousy isn't a great look on you," Tony said, hovering a few feet into the air. 

"Your dad was fucking jealous when I fucked your mom!" Peter spat. This day was really going to shit. 

"And that's a disturbing thought," Tony murmured, not bothering to look at Peter while he scanned the forest. 

Peter glanced at Rocket. Rocket shrugged. "It kinda is disgusting." 

"Fuck you," Peter said, storming off into the forest. 

Rocket couldn't help but speculate what the cause of the increase in sexual jokes. Maybe everyone was just really horny all of a sudden. He followed Quill and metal man into the forest, wondering how many had been made. He'd be disappointed if it was any number other than 69.


	5. In Which Rocket Discovers the Existence of Hamburgers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I'm baccccckkk! Yay!  
> Okay, readers, I've decided I need to finish this fucking fic before Avengers: Infinity War. 
> 
> Because, you know, then the Russo Brothers' would've stolen all my fun.

When the group's split up, the first thing Tony did was lay out the ground rules. None of which impressed Star-dude or Gun Raccoon.

"Whaddya mean I can't shoot anything?!" Rocket near screeched, trying to picture not using a gun for ten minutes. It was too much and he nearly broke under the strain of even imagining not using a gun. "The fuck am I supposed to do then?"

"Uh, use your brain?" Tony suggested, scanning the nearby the surrounding for heat signatures,"Rat-aliens have brains right?"

"Yeah, most rat-aliens do," Peter said, keeping his face straight,"Except Rocket. Rocket doesn't have one."

Rocket glared at Peter, who tried to look as innocent as a thirty-six year old, six foot two man possibly could. He was glaring partly because of the insult and partly because it was such a bad joke.

Tony hovered back to the ground, having found nothing. "Do either of you feel like having a hamburger? I want a hamburger. Let's have a hamburger."

The two stared, caught off guard.

"Aren't we meant to be looking for your mutant Gamora dude?" Peter said, even though getting a hamburger was far more tempting than searching for green dude in a forest.

Before Iron dude could reply, Rocket spoke, feeling very confused. "What's a hamburger?" the raccoon asked, the word unfamiliar in his mouth.

It was Peter and Tony's turn to stare.

"I feel we have a duty to introduce this alien to hamburgers," Tony said.

"We should probably deal with the more important thing first," Peter said, thinking of what Captain America had told them to do.... but he hadn't had a hamburger since he'd been abducted...

There was nothing said for exactly ten seconds as the two made up their minds.

"Hamburger," they said, simultaneously.

Rocket found himself being walked off in the direction of civilization by one of his friends and total stranger, as they abandoned their mission to introduce him to a Terran food. He really shouldn't have tried to take that Infinity Stone of doom. Then he would never have gotten into this mess.

Meanwhile, in the ship, Bruce flushed the toilet and put down the lid. He took a step towards the sink, washed his hands and rubbed his head. It had been a surprisingly bumpy ride, which was odd, considering Tony was usually a pretty good pilot and when he wasn't flying, JARVIS was, who was an even better pilot.

He opened the door and stepped out, about to ask the other members of the Avengers what the cause of the rocky ride was when he realised no one was there. And they had landed right where they took off.

Bruce blinked several times.

"JARVIS?" he mumbled.

JARVIS didn't say anything for a while. If he had hands he would've face-palmed.

"Yes, Doctor Banner?" he said, after a long, awkward silence.

"Where is everyone?" Bruce asked, looking around, hoping they hadn't done something dumb. (The chances of that were pretty low)

Clint had an answer to that.

He, Thor and baby tree who-he-was-protecting-from-the-wrath-of-Natasha were asking the kids in the schoolyard if they had seen Hulk (it was all Thor's idea).

"Hello, little Midgardians!" Thor boomed, walking onto the schoolyard.

Clint wanted to immediately turn around and go back. He knew this was a bad idea. He knew it. This was dumb. He just wanted to be somewhere else. Or on a different team.

The kids were all crowding around Thor. "Have any of you seen Hulk? Large, green, one could not miss him?" the god said, looking at them.

"Hulk's here too?" one kid asked, their whipping around so fast that Clint was surprised that it hadn't popped off.

One kid's response was to try to rob Thor's hammer but (obviously) failed. Now the kid was trying to pull it from the ground and trying to run off with it.

Clint decided if the kid could pick it up, he'd let him have it. He was more worthy than the entire Avengers anyway (he had a sneaking suspicion that Cap had faked not being able to pick up the hammer though) which definitely meant the kid earned it in his book.

He began to feel sorry for the kid after a while and contemplating helping him. Even though he couldn't pick it up, he would try.

Thor interrupted his thoughts though. "I'm afraid the small humans have little information on our large friend," he said, picking up the hammer and noticing the kid and smiling at him and patting him on the head.  
"We could ask the teachers...," Clint started but trailed off once Thor began to walk off, twirling his hammer.

Groaning, Clint complained to himself quietly, muttering about having to increase his salary after this. And the length of his holidays. He needed a break. He chased after the Asgardian anyway.

Meanwhile, Tony, Peter and Rocket were sitting in McDonald's, eating hamburgers and attracting a lot of stares, which Tony bathed in, Rocket loathed and Peter just ignored.

Tony's phone vibrated and he sighed and the phone slipped out of one of the compartments of his suit.

Peter stared at the flat device with the huge screen. It looked like something out of Star Wars. "What's that?" he asked, mouth full of hamburger, pointing at the phone.

"A phone," Tony said, without looking up,"You had those in the sixties, right?" The text was from Bruce, surprisingly.

'' _Where are you?'_ it read, and Tony stared at it. Then remembered Bruce texted like Frozen America. Full sentences, punctuation, the whole thing.

"A what?!" Peter said, nearly choking on the hamburger, staring at the device again. The phones he'd seen as a kid where at least three times the size, eight times as thick and had antenna.

"iPhone X," Tony said, not paying much attention to Peter,"I wanted the iPhone XI but they said it wasn't finished yet."

' _McD's wbu?_ ' he typed back, his fingers flying across the keyboard.

Peter's hand reached out, going to take the phone so as to inspect it but Tony slapped his hand away without looking up from the screen.

' _Why are you in McDonalds? Where is everyone? What happened to the aliens? Did they abduct you? I went to the bathroom for a few minutes and when I'm done everyone's gone?!?!_ ' came Bruce's (slow) but clearly frantic reply.

"Why does the screen have to be so big if you're using it to call people?" Peter asked, looking at it as best he could from afar.

"Because no one just uses it for calls anymore," Tony replied, wondering if the half-alien would ever shut up,"Too much work, talking to people."

' _Coz i was hungrry. we wnt for hamburgers. every1's fine. There looking for u_ ' Tony typed back, knowing he should probably text Capsicle after this to tell him Bruce was in the ship the entire time. He was not looking forward to it.

Peter's brow furrowed. "Uh... what do people use it for then?"  Why would someone use a phone for something other than calls? That was a phone's purpose, right?

"Selfies, Snapchat, texting, social media, photos, music, YouTube," Tony said, listing out whatever came to mind.

' _WHAT?!?!_ ' came Bruce's swift (swifter than normal) reply.

' _dont go green big guy. ill txt capsicle_ ' Tony said, wondering if Cap had his phone on him. Or if he even knew how to use his phone. Natasha said she'd help him but Natasha's method of helping tended to consist of watching someone with a disappointed/murderous look on her face while the person tried to figure out what to do.

Peter's brain hurt. "What's a selfie? And Snapchat? And YouTube? And how would play music on a phone? And-"

Tony stopped listening. He quickly texted Cap. _'i found the big guy. hes in the bthroom, quinjet.'_

"I just want to know one thing," Peter said, his stream of questions ending,"...Have they invented lightsabers?"

Tony put his earphones into his ears and turned up the volume, glad to have shut out the half-aliens constant questions at last.

Several hundred metres away, on the outskirts of the forest, one of the many phones Natasha was carrying vibrated. She pulled it out and facepalmed so hard that it was audible to the others standing five metres away.

Steve winced at the noise. "What is it?"

"Bruce was in the ship the entire fucking time," came her irritated reply as she raced back to the ship,"Tony just texted you." Natasha never swore, and she was terrifying without swear words, so hearing her swear made all the tiny animals in close proximity run for their lives, for fear being slaughtered by the terrifying human.

"Fuck-," Steve said, preparing to let out a string of swear words before pausing,"How do you know he texted me?"

Natasha waved Cap's iPhone (he had previously had a Nokia before Tony had destroyed in his experiment to see if the phones were really indestructible) with reckless abandon.

"Why do you have my phone?" Steve asked, making a grab for it and missing it by a mile.

"Why don't you have your phone?" Natasha asked, half turning to look at him.

"Because they don't supply superhero suits with pockets!" Steve replied indignantly.

"Ask them to," Natasha replied, slipping the iPhone back into her pocket,"You're Captain America, aren't you? They'll do whatever you want."

Steve wanted to come up with a witty reply but found himself unable to argue with her logic. He'd leave the witty replies to Tony.

Gamora just glanced at Drax, hoping to express her disbelief with the Terrans but he instead was just walking onwards, following the Captain. She sighed deeply as though it pained her to be in this group (it annoyed her at the very least. The only one she could stand was the redhead) and she followed the trio, wishing they could just leave this godawful planet and just beat some evil aliens up or something.  
Thor, Clint and Groot were all oblivious to the fact that Hulk had been found and were still searching.

"The little humans provided us with no information," Thor deducted. Thor's method of deducting was stating the obvious and acting like it was a huge revelation.

"Surprise, surprise," Clint replied, wishing they could just go back and ask the teachers. Wishing he could go back alone and ask the teachers. Bringing Thor with was probably not a good idea.

"What shall we do now?" Thor asked, looking at Clint, totally lost as to what his "big" revelation meant.

Clint pinched the bridge of his nose. "Let's just go back to the ship and see where we should go from there," he said. He actually just really needed to pee.

When the three of them arrived at the ship, they found the very person they were searching for standing awkwardly near the ship while the others conversed (argued).

"You guys found Bruce!" Clint exclaimed and ran off to the toilet before anyone had the chance to explain what had actually happened.

Steve was too busy having an argument with Tony to care.

"What the fuck where you three doing?" Steve snarled at Tony, Rocket and Peter, having spotted Rocket's hamburger,"We were meant to be searching for the Hulk, not talking a trip to McDonald's!"

Peter blubbered something unintelligible, struggling to remember how to speak English and everything coming out in Xandarian instead.

Tony spoke instead, of course. "Well, he's been found, right? I thought we deserved a reward."

"Was the reward before or after you "found" Bruce?" Steve seethed, staring down at Tony, eyes narrowed.

"Before. I decided to reward ourselves for trying," Tony replied, his face straight, eyes showing no sign whether or not Steve's anger had affected him.

Peter may have been two inches taller than Captain America, but the dude sometimes acted twice his size, like some sort of big angry chihuahua. He instinctively flinched away, taking a step back.

Steve was sick to death of the trio. The squirrel was still eating hamburgers, Tony couldn't give a straight answer without rewarding his ego and Star-Duke (or was it Prince?) was about as useful as a rotten potato.

"I'd at least expected you to do something goddamn productive," he snapped, glancing over them.

"We were meant to be productive?" the half-alien said weakly.

Steve questioned his will to live at that point. No, he'd wanted them to sit on their asses while everyone else worked.

"Get in fucking ship and I swear to God, I will kill you one day, Tony," Steve growled.

"Is that a promise, Rogers?" Tony asked, still somehow making a jokes, despite Steve looking as though he would kill him without a second thought.

He received no reply as Steve had stormed into the ship.

As expected, the ride back was tense, with basically no one speaking and everyone death staring at someone.

Peter caught Arrowman's eye and they both just shrugged at one another.

'Is it usually like this?' Peter mouthed loudly, which was somehow possible through him whispering while he was mouthing, defeating the purpose of mouthing the word.

Clint thought about it for a second before nodding.

And Peter thought the Guardians were dysfunctional. They had nothing on the Revengers... they were called the Revengers, right?

It was safe to say they were all glad to get off the jet. Peter couldn't help but notice that Captain America and Robot Man looked like they were about to tear each other up with their teeth... He stuck close to Arrowman. He seemed friendly.

Steve and Tony both pushed and shoved to get off the jet first and did the same to get into the Avengers tower. It came as a surprise to everyone that the two hadn't fought it out the minute they had gotten off the plane but, hey, miracles sometimes happen.

And finding out why Fury was sitting at Tony's desk probably was more interesting than killing one another.

"Fury?" Steve asked, eyebrows furrowed in confusion,"I thought you were in hiding?"

"Uh, what is Fury doing sitting on my seat and my desk?" Tony asked, his mind immediately going to why someone was violating his property by sitting on it,"I thought he was still playing dead."

Fury glared at Tony before turning to look at the huge group. "Because motherfuckers," he said, taking the rare opportunity to say 'motherfucker',"I need you all to stop the giant purple asshole from eating our planet."

Peter's jaw dropped when his eyes locked on Fury, unable to believe what he was seeing. "Oh my God. It's Jules from Pulp Fiction!" He paused, staring at Fury's head. "Except he's.... bald?"

Fury stared, wondering where they had found this idiot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I know, Pulp Fiction came out I the 1994, when Peter was abducted in 1988, which is a full six years in difference... but guysssssss..... I had to make that reference.


End file.
